So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
