I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
