sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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