I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
