We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I still have a little drunk in my system
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
