you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
