she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
