He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
