i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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