I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
