someone threw a dead crab at me
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
