She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
