you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
So squirting runs in the family.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Randomize
