I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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