There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize