I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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