god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
