You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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