the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Are my feet made of real feet?
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
