I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Randomize
