Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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