I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
