Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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