we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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