connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
