I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
