God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
