Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
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