That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Randomize
