your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
