so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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