Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Randomize
