is your mom at the bar?
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize