She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
