Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
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