You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
