If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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