walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
we made out on top of his cat.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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