I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
he high fived his dick after we had sex
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Randomize
