Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
Randomize
