i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS VDIEPO BECAUSE I AMS ENDIONG A LOKT OF EFFORT RECORIDNG IT
I ONLY PARTIALLY KNOW WHAT YOU SAID. BUT I THINK I WILL LIKE IT.
I effort
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
