the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
