Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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