Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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