Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Randomize
