I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize