Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
