I was born with a shot glass in my hand
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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