you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Randomize