3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize