I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
