I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Barsexuality is the new black.
I checked into jail on foursquare
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
