did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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