At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I just threw up on my dentist
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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