i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
