This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
