i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
