my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
