haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize