I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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