margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
