Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
It's like God shit irony all over that family
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
