my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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