My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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