Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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