My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
