Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
In other news, I just burned my penis
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
