I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
