woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
