i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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