quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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