For the record dan just proved he knows the first and last names of ALL the members of NSync. Jury is no longer out on his sexuality.
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
