WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Randomize
